Parshas Chayei Sora - Shidduchim

There are several phrases that reveal something about a person’s personality. When it comes to children, we often hear the compliment, “The apple does not fall far from the tree,” (However, this ‘compliment’ is also, at times, used in a condescending message as well). In other words, the good or bad middos of a person quite often are taken from a parent. A second example occurs when it comes to dating and marriage. On those occasions, we tend to say, “opposites attract”. I feel that both clichés need more explanation.

I believe “the apple does not fall far from the tree is most typically meant to be a compliment to the parent(s). We also know, however, that there have been great leaders and Rabbonim whose children did not become like their parents. To the contrary, they fell very far away from the tree. I heard a story from Rav Avrohom Seagal, an אדם גדול - a great scholar - about the Chofetz Chaim. Rav Seagal read a story about the Chofetz Chaim when one of his students (who had guts) asked him about the idiom, “the apple not falling far from the tree”, yet some of the Chofetz Chaim’s own children did not follow in his path. There were, in fact, some children from his first wife who did not follow in his path. The Chofetz Chaim responded that this was a time of the Haskalah/enlightenment, and therefore, so much depends upon how strong and to what direction the winds of the times are blowing.

The second idea of “opposites attract” regarding the making of a good shidduch or couple has some fallacy connected to it as well. Should a boy who likes vanilla ice cream look for a resume that says the girl likes chocolate ice cream? I recently heard from a very good friend of mine whose son turned down a good shidduch because he found out she was a vegetarian. Even though this girl was considered to be a great catch, he himself loved a good piece of meat, especially barbecues. This is an instance that could create constant friction in a marriage. Do you think this would be a good match because they are opposites and they will be attracted to one another? On the contrary, they will clash on many occasions as food is so central to our lives. The proper Jewish perspective and understanding of “opposites attract” is not meant in the Gashmiyus/physical sense; rather it applies to the ruchniyus/spiritual. We do not look at life as being the “opposite”, but rather what the other person is lacking. Each spouse brings a certain midda/trait to the marriage, often something the spouse needs to work on. Therefore, if one spouse is, perhaps, on the stingy side of the dollar/shekel, the other should be more of a person whose nature is to do more chessed/kindness. This is not to say an individual is completely void of a midda; rather, each spouse should balance and fill in what the other is lacking.

Sefer Bereishis is known as Sefer HaAvos, the book of the fathers - specifically Avraham, Yitzchok and Yaakov. Each one was famous for another midda, Avraham is chessed, Yitzchok is Gevura, and Yaakov is Emes. This is not to say that each of them only had that one midda/trait. Rather, each one of our forefathers had the traits of the others but was exceptional in the one we hear about. As we peer into these next few parshios, we get a glimpse into the “shidduch resume” that parents seek out for their child.

In this week’s Parsha Chayei Sorah, the Torah states in Bereishis 24:14 "והיה הנער(ה) אשר אמר אליה הטי-נא כדך ואשתה ואמרה שתה וגם גמליך אשקה, אתה הכחת לעבדך ליצחק ובה אדע כי עשית חסד עם אדני" : “Let it be that the maiden to whom I shall say, ‘Please tip your jug so I may drink,’ and who replies, ‘Drink, and I will even water your camels,. She is whom You have chosen for Your servant, for Yitzchok; and may I know through her that You have done kindness with my master”. Rashi comments on the words “you have done kindness,” referring to Hashem doing a chessed for Avraham. I will take literary license here and say “chessed” is the kindness Rivka was doing for Eliezer and as a sign that she had the midda of chessed within her, making her a great candidate for an excellent shidduch for Yitzchok. In truth, Rashi himself supports this reading. On the words “אתה הכחת” Rashi writes: “ראויה היא לו שתהא גומלת חסדים וכדאי ליכנס בביתו של אברהם” – She is fit for him because she performs acts of kindness, and she is worthy to enter the home of Avraham. The Midrash Bereishis Rabbah 60:6 adds that when the Torah says “וירץ העבד לקראתה, Eliezer ran toward her. He was, in essence, running “לקראת מעשיה הטובים toward her good deeds.

But why did Yitzchok, of all people, need a wife whose defining trait was chessed? After all Yitzchok grew up in Avraham’s house. Avraham Avinu was the pillar of chessed; his tent was open on all four sides. Yitzchok was different. He is the one who lay bound on the altar. The Torah in Bereishis 31:42 calls Hashem “פחד יצחק”, the Fear of Yitzchok. Chaza”l in Gemara Brachos 26b teach that Yitzchok established Mincha, as it says “ויצא יצחק לשוח בשדה – the tefillah of the afternoon, when the day declines and the world stand in judgment. Yitzchok is the middah of gevura: discipline, restraint, awe, and boundaries.

Gevura alone, however, can become harsh. Strength without warmth turns cold, and boundaries without love become walls. On the other hand, it is chessed alone that can spill over with almost no limits. Neither middah can build a home by itself. Yitzchok needed Rivka, and Rivka needed Yitzchok.

The Torah paints this beautifully through water. Rivka is found at the well, drawing water out and pouring it for others – far more water than she was asked to give. Later on, in Bereishis 26:18-22 we find Yitzchok is the one who digs wells, reopening the wells of his father and guarding them against those who stopped them up. Even when we first meet Yitzchok in Bereishis 24:62, he came from a well called Be’er Lachai Ro’i. Yitzchok and Rivka became a team. Rivka draws the water out and gives it away; Yitzchok digs, protects, and keeps the source pure. One is the flow; the other is the vessel. Water without a well is lost in the sand, and a well without anyone to draw from helps no one.

When they finally meet, the passuk 24:64-65 describes how Rivka sees Yitzchok coming from the field, she falls from the camel and covers herself with her veil. Rashi and Midrash explain that she was overwhelmed with awe. Netzi”v, in Ha’amek Davar, writes that this sense of awe remained part of their relationship. Here is true chessed meeting gevura – warmth encountering holiness; not only respecting it but fusing them together. From the union of these two middos came Yaakov Avinu, the middah of tiferes and emes, which Chaza”l describes as the perfect blend of chessed and gevura.

Each of us contains both middos within us. Some of us are naturally ‘givers’: quick to pour out for others; some of us are naturally ‘guardians’: careful, disciplined, and serious. The lesson of Yitzchok and Rivka is that we need both, and very often we find the other half in the people Hashem places beside us – a spouse, a friend, a partner. Rather than resenting the one who is different from us, we should recognize that the difference is the very thing that makes us whole. The well needs the water, and the water needs the well.